Sunday, March 8, 2015

Top 10 Most Amazing Things Ever to Come Out of Our Mouths

We can't believe we haven't collated this information for you before. Honestly, these are f*cking gems. So, you're welcome. These quotes are a collection of moments that took place while we were together. We may have said dumber things separately from one another, but those statements are not listed here.

1. While looking through photos of our trip to Chicago, Serena kindly assessed our snazzy good looks with the following statement:
"We look like a-holes. And when I say a-holes, I mean an actual hairy a-hole."

2. During a Yankees/Diamondbacks game at Yankee Stadium, Lisa turned to Serena and said:
"What is a diamondback anyway? And why is their mascot a snake?"
Serena: "Lisa, a diamondback IS a snake."
Lisa: "Oh...why would they pick an animal like that to be their mascot?"
Serena: "I dunno. It is native to that area and it is the largest of the rattlesnake species and the largest venomous snake in North America."
Lisa: "Oh..."

3. Post-All Star Game 5K in Prospect Park, we were slightly upset about the lack of MLB mascot participation:
Lisa: "Where are they now?"
Serena: "There's nothing but a bunch of sweaty a-holes in orange."

4. Serena was tired of the Derek Jeter obsession sweeping the nation and in discussing the All Star Game:
"It's his final season. He's getting voted into the All Star Game. Even if he takes a dump at shortstop in every single game leading up to the break, the man will be voted into the All Star Game."
Lisa: "Hahaha!"
Serena: "You're imagining him squatting at shortstop taking a dump right now, aren't you?"
Lisa: "Yes!"

5. Our assessment of the supposedly renown Dodger Dog:
"It is a raping of your taste buds and a violation of basic human rights."

6. During the Yankees' grounds crew's YMCA performance, Lisa turned to Serena and asked,
"Wait, do I look like a C?"

7. Lisa spent an entire Mets/Braves game flirting with a young Mets fan who was at the game with his father, however Serena was not convinced of this man's worthiness.
"Lisa, I don't want you giving him your number. He hasn't shared his chips with us. I specifically heard his father tell him to share his chips and he hasn't. If he won't share his chips, he's not worth it. What else won't he share with you?"

8. A description of Barry Zito's moustache:
"It is a black cat hovering beneath his nose."

9. While we were in France, we saw a lot of references to St. Michel. Observing one particular statue of St. Michel slaying the devil, Lisa said,
"I don't understand. I don't remember a woman named Michelle slaying the devil in the bible."
Serena: "Michel is French for Michael."
Lisa: "Ohhhhhh."

10. Most recently, we put together our first IKEA dresser (with Brother's help). Upon opening the instructions, Serena stated,
"I'm going to be frank with you, we're not smart enough to put this together."

Truth be told, we could've gone all day, but we limited ourselves to ten in hopes that we'll lure you into our web. 

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Preparing for Glory

This is what is it's like outside, so we're blogging over the phone. Note that despite the asinine weather, we're still managing to blog. Also,we have no more furniture from IKEA to build, so we have no excuse.
We have some news. Albeit, not very exciting news.
1. Like last year, we'll be attending both Yankees' and Mets' Opening Days.
2. We're forming our own fantasy baseball league this year. We're done with this collusion business that's been plaguing our former league for years. We're moving on to bigger and better things. We're quietly amassing our league participants. Our goal is a 12-team league. We're seriously considering opening a few team slots to our followers, but we're concerned that you'll be annoying. Feel free to try and convince us that you won't be annoying.
3. We've decided to legitimately visit the Baseball Hall of Fame this year. We promise that this is the year. We will not fail you.
4. The New York media has inundated us with reports on Alex Rodriguez's progress during spring training. Unfortunately, there hasn't been a single interesting update. It would be more entertaining if they informed us how often he took a sh*t. No one cares that he's making friends. What a waste of a mobile alert (ahem, Sportscenter).
5. Tentative stadium tour 2015: Miami Marlins
6. We've started working out together on Sundays again. Watch out Instagram.

We intended to write an actual blog. Serena called Lisa. She logged into Blogger. The conversation turned to Mets' Opening Day (Old Man Ed is handling Yankees' Opening Day). It took Lisa twenty minutes to actually procure tickets. Fifteen of those minutes involved her selecting our seats. The final cost was follows:
Tickets: $39/each
Convenience Charge: $10.50
Parking: $21
Convenience charge: $1.00
Per order fee: $6.00
Grand Total: $116.50
Thank you, MLB, Mets, and Ticketmaster for continuing to bend us over a table. 

Somehow, during this transaction, we ended up discussing our fantasy league. Serena created our league. Then spent twenty minutes researching and creating various fantasy team names.Eventually, we invited two other people to join. The end.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Sorry, Not Sorry

This is why you're not getting  a blog tonight. We decided to put together a dresser that has a gazillion pieces . Serena has already stated that she knows we are definitely not smart enough to put this together.  Keep you posted on Instagram for the end result which a) might not take place ever or b) it's not going to look like a dresser but a contraption that the cat will use as a kitty condo. May the force be with us. P.s who's excited abouy spring training! We are!

Sunday, February 8, 2015

The Goonies

For some reason, we decided to recast one our favorite childhood movies with baseball players. Since it seems to be a pattern to remake classic 80's films, why can't we? This is the kind of shit you can expect from us when there's no baseball.

The movie we decided to recast is The Goonies and if you haven't seen it, you're an a-hole. Where have you been living this entire time? Under a rock?

The new & improved cast:

Mikey: Justin Verlander looks like he could pass for Mikey post-puberty. Plus, he gives us nerd vibes. Invision Verlander standing in the dugout before a big game, rallying his teammates to the call of, "it's our time. It's our time down here. It's their time. Their time up there *insert inhaler puff*!"

Mouth: Bryce Harper. We felt that Harper would be a good fit for this role because he's a loud-mouthed ass-tard. And also a clown that asks a bunch of clown questions.

Data: Ichiro Suzuki. Suzuki not only looks the part, but seems like he'd be really savvy with gadgets as well. Plus, he's small like Data. It's like he's Data grown up.

Brad: Alex Rodriguez. Okay, so he's not as sexy as Josh Brolin, but he sure works out a lot and certainly exhibits the typical "dumb jock" look. We think he'd look great in grey sweatpants with blue running shorts over them.

Steph: Jacob deGrom is long and lean like Steph. He also has luscious locks like a female. Granted, he has more hair than Steph, but perhaps this will allow him to bring more femininity to the role.

Andy: Justin Turner. Um, hello. He's a scary ginger. Just like Andy. Obviously he's meant to play this role.

Chunk: Pablo Sandoval. Pablo, like Chunk, is fat. Just picture Sandoval at third base doing the truffle shuffle. It is meant to be.

How do you think we did? Do you have any alternative options for these characters?

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Our Day with Bryce Harper

One of our followers suggested that we chronicle a day spent with a baseball player. Since this happens pretty often, we had to narrow down which story to share with you. We chose our random Tuesday spent with Bryce Harper because we figured that none of you really wanted to hear about our special friends that play for the Yankees and Mets (and by special, we mean "imaginary"). Plus, the restraining order is official and we're not allowed within 25 yards of those guys, soooooo....yeah. That's why we have to get our seats in the upper deck all the time. We're not cheap. Just ostracized.

So anyway. Back to Bryce. Since he's a child, we picked him up early from nursery school with his mother's permission...of course. We're not kidnappers. Sheesh. From the Children of Hope Academy for the Gifted, we drove Bryce (safely buckled into his car seat naturally...we're very responsible) in our rental Prius to play laser tag. It was Pizza Party Day at Laser Tag Land, so Bryce ate an entire pizza by himself even though we told him that it was a highly illogical thing to do. Boy, were we right. After a few minutes running around the laser tag course, Bryce threw up all over one of the girls on the green team. It was gross, but truth be told, she kind of deserved it. She was trash talking Lisa all over the place. She had to go. Unfortunately, the vomit incident prompted management to escort us from the vicinity. Turns out, being Bryce Harper doesn't get you everything.

We buckled Bryce back into his car seat, intending on heading to Friendly's for some ice cream sundaes, but Bryce stopped us. He said, "Listen here, my soul sistahs from another mistah, I'm having a fantabulous time, but February IS just around the corner and I need to get some work done. Can we hit up a batting cage instead?" Serena, being that she is a professional personal trainer, had an even better idea. We decided to take him to a local mini golf course instead. At first, Bryce was skeptical, but then Lisa reminded him of the fact that we basically transformed Tim Lincecum into a sparkling peacock that wins championships and he gave in. Case in point.

At the mini golf course, we bought Bryce a Good Humor Bubble Play ice pop and let him choose the pink golf ball. He gets very upset when he doesn't get his way. In fact, we always let him win because if we don't, we throws a temper tantrum and it's embarrassing. For us. While we waited our turn at the windmill hole (it took him at least twenty swings to get the ball through the windmill), Bryce mentioned that he proposed to his girlfriend, Kayla. Immediately, we voiced our displeasure. "You're too young to get married!"
Lisa: "How did you even propose?"
Serena: "On construction paper written in Crayola Crayon?"
Lisa: "With a Ringpop? What flavor was it?"
Serena: "Do you even know what we were doing at your age?"
Lisa: "Having a great time! Being awesome!"
Serena: "God, Bryce! You can't even tie your own shoes yet!"
Lisa: "Next thing you'll tell us is that you want children. Children having children! What's this world coming to?"
Serena: "You can barely recite the entire alphabet."

Upset by our tirade, Bryce ran off, screaming that he wasn't going to invite us to the wedding anymore (like we cared). Serena was fine with this outcome because she really didn't want to have to make the trip to drive him home anyway because it was out of the way and there were no Taco Bells in the area, but Lisa felt it was extremely irresponsible of us to not return him home to his mother like we'd promised. Ugh. We went after him and found him crying by himself on one of the coin operated french poodle rides outside of the mini golf place. Serena has no patience for this kind of crap, so she slapped him. It made him cry louder. He called Serena a "meanie." Lisa agreed that Serena HAD acted like a meanie, but that he also had to respect the opinion of his elders. He understood and apologized for being such an asshole, but asked us to please be respectful of his life choices and to his bride-to-be. We grumbled a reply, which was satisfactory to him, but really meant nothing to us, so as far as we're concerned, we agreed to nothing.

After that, we got giant cupcakes and drove Bryce home. He fell asleep in his car seat with chocolate smeared on his face. He looked like such a clown. After bidding his lovely mother farewell (she loves us...our photo is in a frame on the fireplace next to Bryce's engagement photos that had been taken at Nationals Ballpark), we drove ourselves to the airport for the trip home. It was a very long day, but it did help us reach a very important decision about our lifestyle choices. We've decided not to befriend any more baseball players because obviously they're all a bunch of overrated babies.

The End.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

Truthfully, we are somewhat surprised that you even participated in our TBB Q&A session. Not many of you participated, but there was legitimate participation here. Congrats. We're so proud.

Below are your questions copied and pasted from their various locations on the world wide web. They appear within quotation marks. Our answers are in italics.

"What is the meaning of life?"
You are born. You go to school. Some of you will graduate. You will have high hopes and aspirations to be something great. You get an underpaying job working for "the man" and if you're lucky, it comes with health benefits and a retirement plan. Maybe you have a family who will bleed you dry of what little money you make. Then you die, your dreams unfulfilled.

"How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
Since it's a woodchuck, it can chuck a lot. Like all of Abe Lincoln's log cabin.

"Have you ever bought a five dollar hot cocoa at a ballpark?"
No. But James once bought us hot cocoa at Yankees Opening Day and for that we are thankful. Also, it was more than $5 because it came in a travel cup.

"Aside from the Mets and Yankees name your next favorite team?" (There were two requests for this question)
Lisa likes the Nationals and Pirates (because she likes Pirates) while Serena follows the Twins and Rays.

"Altoids or Extra gum?"

"How did you two end up meeting?"
This sounds like the start of a romantic comedy. We met at a job where we would spend our days designing PowerPoint Presentations making fun of people and accidentally downloading viruses to other people's computers by visiting porn sites instead of shoe sites.

"What is your favorite Taco Bell food item?"
That's like asking your mother who her favorite child is. Do we really have to pick?

"What would be your walk up to the plate song be?"
Who could commit to just one thing for the rest of their career? We change our minds like we change underwear. Lisa might pick Tina Turner's Simply the Best one day and Bon Jovi's Living On A Prayer (because she'll need a prayer if she ever expects to hit a ball. Serena, on the other hand, could go anywhere from NIN's Closer to Eric Clapton's Layla (because she likes old men him and Kevin Costner).

"Is it ok to wear your home teams jersey to a different sporting event. Meaning, would you wear a New York Giants NFL jersey to a Mets/Yankee game? Is it ok to wear a Boston Celtics jersey to a Patriots game? This past season, I was at a Dodger game the day after the LA Kings won the Stanley Cup; a couple of fans came in their Kings jerseys, were showed on the big screen and were booed. Dodger fans yelled “this is a baseball game.” Granted I know Dodger fans boo everything, but did they have a point to boo the Kings fans or where they wrong. Your thoughts?"
We wore our Giants jerseys to a Yankees game when the Giants were in the playoffs. It's totally fine. Those Dodger fans sound like narrowminded dicks.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Your Opportunity to Interrogate Us

Trying to fulfill one of our New Year's resolutions right out the gate here. We promised you a chance to participate in a Q&A with us and now here's your chance. You have one full week to post whatever question you've always wanted answered. You can post your questions in the comments section of this blog post, Facebook (privately or to our wall), or Twitter (@TravelingBBabes). We will answer all of your questions in next week's blog. Before we allow you to unleash the Kraken, there are some ground rules.

1. You may not ask us what our bra sizes are.
2. We will not acknowledge requests for nudie photos. No one really wants that anyway.
3. You may not request a video strip tease, which would basically only consist of us doing the running man in our knickers anyway. Hardly interesting.
4. We will not kiss.
5. Don't quiz Lisa on spelling or grammar.
6. This is not a game of Truth or Dare. This is a Q&A, so there'll be no "I triple dog dare you..."
7. No, we will not have sex with you.
8. There is a 98.7% chance that we won't be going on any field trips with you, so you're probably better off not asking. You'll need to undergo rigorous testing for us to determine your level of creepiness before that happens. 
9. Be creative. Don't ask us something stupid like, "which one is Lisa and which one is Serena?"
10. We will not be donating any organs or samples of DNA for this, so don't waste your breath asking.

Happy question posting. You'll understand if we don't hold our breath while we wait for you.