Sunday, January 31, 2016

2016 Expectations

Here's what we're expecting to take place this year:
1. We will purchase Opening Day tickets. We will continue to bitch about our lack of Opening Day tickets on this blog until we actually acquire tickets.
2. The Yankees will suck major donkey dick.
3. It will take precisely one month for the Mets to alienate and lose all of the bandwagons that hopped on last year. While the Mets' performance will greatly disappoint Lisa, she'll be delighted to finally be rid of all the ass clowns that clogged up her online ticket purchasing.
4. Derek Jeter will become a coach of some kind. Serena will vomit.
5. We will travel to Miami to see the Marlins with Mamadukes. We will most likely not like the stadium.
6. Serena will drive her roommate and his girlfriend from the apartment single handedly.
7. After which, Lisa will move in and we'll turn that back room into the Traveling Baseball Babes' Babe Cave.
8. We will not play fantasy baseball. We just don't have the bandwidth and truth be told, Lisa doesn't remember her password to get into the league.

9. Our Halloween costume will be even more epic than years' past. We know, we know. You're asking yourselves, "how is that even possible?" Well, we're telling you. It is.
10. Potentially participate in a New York City-wide pillow fight.

Don't even bother asking why we're still single. This list should cover the answer to that question.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

We've Got The Opening Day Blues

So...what did we accomplish thus far? We ordered over $50 worth of sushi, ate it, and are still hungry. We even asked Brother's lady friend if we could have her side order of chips from Taco Joe's. Still no word on that front, but it would be really nice if she'd just share her chips with us. Also, Brother yelled at us for still being hungry, which is really judgmental on his part. Another problem is that Serena's bed is EXTREMELY devastating in that once you enter it, it's next to impossible to leave. As a result, we are in a puppy pile with Isolde (aka: Kitty/Black Panther/Beastly/Fur Monster/Asshole) watching Batdad's videos on Facebook. All these videos managed to do is outline our desired mates and apparently, we have more in common in that subject than originally thought. While the physical attributes may differ drastically on most occasions (Lisa enjoys the Guido fist pumpers that are born under the Sagittarius sign and Serena likes scruffy brunettes with tattoos), it seems that who we're both searching for is a hilarious idiot. Like us, but less of an asshole. Someone needs to keep us in check. 

We've asked Isolde repeatedly to bring us the lady friend's chips, but she does nothing. She just sits there. Occasionally, she swats Lisa. A beautiful moment happened, however. Lisa turned to Serena and said, "I wish we had The Force." She's learning. Unfortunately, we don't have The Force. The chips are still in the other room.*sigh*

Lucky for you the internet machine was within reach.

Starting 2016 off right, here's our first bitch fest of the year: Opening Day tickets. The Mets have repeatedly shut down any attempt on our part to acquire tickets to this momentous day.  We can procure tickets to the night after Opening Day and every other Mets' home game thereafter. Opening Day? Not so much. It's like they're toying with us. They send us emails about how tickets are on sale and they even give give us the little ticket icon when we check out the schedule, but they don't deliver.
Every time we try, we get a very rude, standoffish message. If they don't want to go to bed with us, they shouldn't flirt with us. It's indecent.

The Yankees at least have the courtesy to just withhold all single game ticket sales. They may be prude and all about delivering an "access denied" message, but at least they're consistent. We can understand consistency. It's comforting. Even when it means we aren't wanted.

Rant over. Mic drop. We're out.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

We're Terrible at New Year's Resolutions

Okay. Maybe we should reconsider actually having resolutions because we suck at this. We did manage to check off an additional three resolutions from last year's (and 2014's, 2013's, etc.) list. We'll start by posting the resolutions that we continue to fail at checking off our list and then finish by telling you which ones we managed to check off. Perhaps we'll add new ones, but truth be told, we're so terrible at this that we're not really sure there's a point extending a list of things we'll never accomplish. It just seems like a recipe for low self esteem.

2013 Failures:
1. Cover a World Series game in person even if the Mets or Yankees aren't in the playoffs. Somehow, we'll figure it out.
2. Covering the remaining playoff games from the bar. Literally. As in we'll bring the internet machine to a bar, hack the bar's WiFi (side note: the password is quite often the bar's phone number), and cover the games. In addition to the blog post, we'll also post commentary to Twatter. (@TravelingBBabes). Follow us. Do it.
#1's & 2 are probably the biggest f*ck ups of 2015. One of our teams actually made it to the playoffs AND the World Series and we still didn't blog about it. Mostly because Lisa was really stressed out during the entire ordeal, but also because our Sunday morning conversations went something like this:
"Hey, are we blogging today?"
"Hmmm...let's go eat Chipotle and be fat. Maybe watch a Disney movie."
3. Get TOWSNBN to take a picture with Lisa.  This may never happen.
4. Spy a professional player in plain clothes. We stress professional. You and your beer bully running around a baseball field in dirty sweatpants that you haven't washed in months doesn't count as a baseball player.
5. It may not be fiscally possible for us to attend more Yankees and Mets games, but we will do everything in our power to cover baseball more actively, whether that means talking to bar patrons/baseball fans during games or stalking tailgate parties. Yeah. We haven't gone to the bar or met any new people in awhile...
6. Establish a weblog. - Honestly, we still don't know what a weblog is. This should be removed entirely from the list. In fact...for 2016, this resolution is history.
7. Get on the jumbotron together at any stadium. It's probably because we're fat.
8. TBB World Domination. We're like Pinky & The Brain...

1. Lisa finally watches all of the Star Wars movies. Even the bad ones staring Natalie Portman (the acting equivalent to a cardboard box). Okay, enough. There's a brand new movie out and this still hasn't been done. This is a no brainer. This literally involves us laying in bed and eating cookies all day so why this hasn't been done is one of life's greatest mysteries. Don't worry though. We're on it. We've scheduled this all day movie marathon for a Saturday in February.
2. Get one professional baseball player to follow us (whether it be on the blog, Facebook, Twatter, Instagram, or Google+). Why don't they like us? You'd think that by this time, Tim Lincecum would at least follow us.
4. Serena will get a good night's sleep. And by a good night's sleep, we mean the recommended 7-8 hours as opposed to her usual 2-4 hours.Yeah, no. This might also have to fall under the list called, "Never Gonna Happen."

There's no list from 2015 because we were so god awful at completing tasks that we didn't add new tasks to the list. So, technically, 2015 was our year to shine. We only had to deal with the previous years' lists.

Things we actually accomplished in 2015:
1. Visit and blog about our visit to the Baseball Hall of Fame.
2. Be recognized at a game for being the world renown Traveling Baseball Babes. One of Serena's former co-workers recognized Lisa at Au Bon Pain from the blog...and also Serena's Facebook page. But it totally counts.
3. Post a Q&A. Something about us that you're curious to know? We'll give you a period of time where you can email/message/post/etc. anything you want to know about Lisa, Serena, or both of us and we will dedicate an entire blog post to your questions. Please no requests for photos of us naked or in our knickers. Don't be creepy.  Boom, mother f*ckers.

Newly added resolutions that we feel strongly can be done in 2016:
1. Run a 5K 
2. Return to Philadelphia to make up for the game that was rained out last season.
3. Do a partner yoga inversion trick. Will aim to post this on Instagram/Twatter if we don't manage to accidentally murder each other in the process.
4. Do 1 pullup each
5. Visit a stadium other than Citi Field and Yankee Stadium
6. Have a drink with Old Man Ed
7. Get our photo taken with #51 in Monument Park
8. Eat at the fancy dining establishments at Citi Field and Yankee Stadium - The Acela Club & NYY Steak
9. Go to a Staten Island Yankees game
10. Long Island Ducks game

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Princess Leia Kitty

We know that we promised you our annual baseball themed Christmas carol, but it now feels like a moot point. Since we didn't adequately prepare a backup plan, we chose to harass Serena's kitty, Isolde. We can thank her co-worker for providing us with the prop, but long story short, we turned Isolde into Princess Leia Kitty. We took two videos of the process, which you can view here and here. Also, here's a photo of the final product:

In stadium touring news, we're still up in the air as to whether or not we're doing Texas or Miami for 2016. Feedback is welcome. Texas would be at the end of April and Miami would most likely be later in the year. Final decision may come down to dollars and cents and time off availability, but we'll welcome your feedback.

No blog post next Sunday because we plan on nursing a three day hangover from New Year's Eve, however, our first post for 2016 will be our annual Resolutions blog. We'll cover our resolutions from last year and see how we did and then we'll try to come up with new ones.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

For 2016: You Now Must Apply for Mets/Yankees Fandom

After the shit show that was the Mets' most recent post season run, we've decided that things needed to change. Truthfully, it's been a long time coming. We've interacted with far too many idiotic Mets and Yankees fans over the years to allow this to go on any longer. We don't want any of you idiots at our games anymore. Stop eating up our precious tickets. It's time to weed out the assholes.

We've decided that what the Mets and Yankees need is an application submission process in order for you to join their network of fans. In order to complete this process, the following must take place:
1. Applicants must run at minimum, a 5K at their home stadium. Not a race at a football stadium or some other baseball stadium in another state. The HOME stadium of their team of choice.
2. Provide proof of years of fandom. This is not to alienate potential new fans. This is simply to separate the true fans from the fake ones. There will be a separate application for newcomers. Those who claim to already be fans will be under intense scrutiny. Those interested in becoming a fan for the first time will undergo a thorough, but more lenient background check. After all, we can't expect a 4 year old to identify each player from Murderer's Row/1986 Mets pitching rotation. They're 4. They're still trying to understand why Bert and Ernie are still living together.
3. Applicants will be expected to score a 85% or higher on a multiple choice exam. All questions will pertain to the franchise of choice. A perfect score guarantees first dibs on tickets to high profile games - Opening Day, rivalry games, post season games.
4. Applicants will also undergo an intense interview screening conducted by the TBB, Isolde, and a player TBD from the franchise of choice.
5. Applicants will be required to write two essays. Both essays will be 3-5 pages, typed, double-spaced, in font Times New Roman size 12. The essay topics will be as follows: "Why I Want to be a Mets/Yankees Fan" and "The History of the Subway Series Rivalry." The latter is partially a trick question as there is no rivalry and those who believe in it are ass clowns. If you write an essay describing why the Mets/Yankees suck, you will automatically be disqualified. Yes, winning the series for "New York bragging rights" is an acceptable reason for the PLAYERS to be all excited about winning, but seeing as how your fat ass is simply drinking and eating during the series, you should just behave as you would during a series that no one cares about. If you're able to write a concise, well thought-out essay discussing the reasons you believe a rivalry exists, it will be taken under consideration.
6. Applicants will also expected to be intimately familiar with the rules of baseball. A secondary quiz will be given in which all of the questions will pertain to the sport in general. For example, if you didn't know that the World Series was a best of 7 series, you have no business applying for fandom. You especially have no business behaving like a grandiose buffoon of a fan. You're embarrassing yourself, others around you, and the real fans that must suffer your insolence.
7. Male applicants of a certain age will be given a pushup test as we are currently searching for penetration partners.
8. Female applicants must surrender to a wardrobe check. Legitimate fan attire does not include team high heels, sparkly or bedazzled clothing, team halter or tube tops, or shredded clothing. Here are some examples:

Applications will only be accepted during the offseason and not following a season in which the team of choice has made a postseason appearance, as you are likely just a bandwagon fan in that case.

In addition to receiving true fan status, you'll be permitted to post on team social media outlets/message boards, access to ticket purchases before the general assholes, and permission to share team news/scores/photos to YOUR social media outlets. Failure to achieve fan status will result in the automatic cleansing of any fake ass profile pictures and statuses about being a #1 fan, which you are not.

Even though next week is Christmas, you're lucky enough to be receiving a blog post from us. It'll be the annual TBB Christmas Carole. After that, it's blog silence until 2016. Try not to miss us too badly.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Should It Be Acceptable for MLB Players to Be Fluffy?

We had hard time deciding tonight's blog post's title. Serena wanted to call a spade a spade and refer to these players as "fat people." Lisa wanted to be more diplomatic and call them, "overweight" or "horizontally challenged." You might be wondering where this is all coming from and we'll tell you. David Ortiz. The fatty is finally retiring and while Red Sox Nation is all "boo hoo, cry me a river" over losing their Big Papi, we can't help but think that it must be a relief to the uniform department because after this season, they can save money on all the extra fabric his uniforms wasted.

Listen. It's not like we're bitching about him being the only fat player in the league. That's not true. He's but one of many fatties. We're bemoaning the retirement of a man whose sole purpose is to hit because he is physically incapable of fielding a position. It's one thing for those guys like Ken Griffey Jr. (who once upon a time, was an amazing outfielder, but got old and/or injured) to be utilized as a strict DH. It's like hiring a professional hockey player who can't skate. It doesn't make sense. Enough about David Ortiz. Back to the real point of this post: fat ball players.

We're not going to waste time listing all of the fat players because you know who they are. You've seen them on television creating larger than normal shadows on the field. You may have even switched your television to widescreen in order to accommodate their girth. We want to know if these players should be permitted to go on being fat? As a marketing rep, it is Lisa's job to provide customer service. It is not acceptable for her to be an asshole to their faces, despite her deep burning desire to behave as such. Therefore, as a professional athlete, "fitness" and "wellness" should be one of the requirements of your job description. We know we're not the definition of peak physical condition, but we're also not being paid a shit ton of money to play for the Red Sox/Yankees/Mets/Giants/etc. As a professional athlete, the only times it should be acceptable for you to be fat is if you are a human brick wall blocking for your quarterback or if you wrestle in a circle wearing a diaper.

If we were paid half the salary of say, a Robinson Cano type of player, for traveling to baseball stadiums, we'd be in some sick shape. We'd be able to afford personal trainers, hair stylists, makeup artists, outfit selecters, chefs, life coaches, bartenders, and on occasion, an anger management counselor. Also, we'd sit in better seats at stadiums. Even though we're not professional athletes, we'd still use our money to make us look better. Why? Because we care about what you buffoons think of us. Keeping this in mind, the baseball players who look like Bad Santa's are not only disrespecting their minds and bodies, but also disrespecting our patronage and fandom. It's time we trim the fat and by trim the fat, we mean, "fire the fat people." How hard is it to not to spend your millions of dollars on McDonald's and Taco Bell every day? It's different when you're sitting there eyeing the Dollar Menu because that's all your broke ass can afford at this time. When you're that rich, you're just being a glutton. Also, if you're not willing to invest in a home gym, at the very least, invest the $10/month to join Planet Fitness.

That is all. Mic drop. Now we have to go eat our large Domino's pizza and cheesy bread and finish watching Adventures in Babysitting. Next week, tune in for our suggestion to create an application process in order to become a legitimate Yankees or Mets fan.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

This Thanksgiving Holiday, We're Thankful For:

Since you're not getting a blog next weekend, we decided that it would be best if we posted SOMETHING this week for you to salivate over. Thanksgiving is a good time to reflect on the things that you're thankful for and that's what we'll talk about this week.

1. We are so thankful that the Mets made it to the World Series.
2. We are very, very thankful that Lisa survived the post season.
3. We are thankful that David Ortiz is retiring and that after this season, we won't have to see his fat face ever again.
4. Serena is above and beyond thankful that the new Star Wars movie is coming out in just a few short weeks.
5. We are thankful for Instagram for without Instagram, we would not have found the glory that is The Rock (@therock), Steve Weatherford (@weatherford5), and Steve Weatherford's daughter, Rara (@rarasplayhouse). In fact, we are so thankful for the Weatherford's family Instagram accounts that when we're feeling sad, we go directly there so that we can watch videos that will make us laugh our asses off.
6. We are thankful for David Beckham. He may be People's 2015 Sexiest Man Alive, but to us, he is the sexiest man alive every damn day of every damn year.
7. We are thankful that they're finally building a Chipotle and Taco Bell around the corner from Serena's apartment. Our prayers have been answered.
8. We are thankful for Ben Verlander, Justin Verlander's younger, more attractive brother. When the hell is he getting his chance in The Show? Good grief. Justin, move over. You can have Kate.
9. We are so thankful that we only have seven more stadiums to go. After that, it's just leisurely spring training ballparks and locales that simply sound interesting to Casablanca, Moscow, and Graceland.
10. The following Disney princes: Flynn Rider, Prince Eric, and the Asian from Mulan. If Jess were here, she'd insist that we give a shout out to Prince Adam/Beast.

Just a few things that we're not totally appreciative of:
1. Fat baseball players (to be discussed in further detail in a later blog post).
2. The Mets losing the World Series and shattering our parade dreams.
3. Bald roommates that use all of your shit and don't bother cleaning up after themselves.
4. People who divulge their Christmas gifts for you instead of just waiting until Christmas for you to discover it yourself.
5. Fugly sluts that can't be trusted.
6. People who put up their Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving.
7. Pig Birds. The latest trend in perverts.
8. The Mets denying Lisa access to purchasing Opening Day tickets after specifically sending her a postcard to "Buy now with promo code: NLCHAMPS."
9. The Lionel Richie "Hello" video. What a creeper/pig bird.
10. The way the New York Giants have been playing. The Mets have already played with our heart strings enough this 2015. Do the Giants really have to continue the onslaught of heart burn and terror?